I want to continue my journey in the wilderness and green pastures, raphah-ing and know that he is my God.
Depression is such a common mental health issue. For every ten Hong Kong people, four of them experience depression. I was one of them.
When I was in primary school, one afternoon, I was arguing with someone over something. It was really heated up and I knew my voice wasn’t heard. Then I dashed onto the bed. The window was right next to the bed. I stuck my foot out of the window and yelled, “I’d jump off.” The person simply replied, “so jump”. Super lame (and in the person’s defence), there was a frame and my leg was stuck. Sounded funny but it was pretty traumatising for me.
I didn't enjoy most of my childhood or youth. It wasn’t because I went through a rough family or nonstop bullying. In fact, I was a child with so many privileges, brought up in a loving family. Even though my family could be a bit awful sometimes, I still loved them with all my heart. Also, I met some of the best people in my life from school. Yet somehow, I believed that people didn’t like me and no one cared. Every day was about pleasing classmates, parents and teachers (obviously I failed pretty hard as a teacher’s pet). Then you crumble down day after day when you find that one person dislikes you and you realise you don’t like yourself very much either. I lived a vicious cycle of tears.
At many lower points in my life, there was this voice in my head that would whisper, “you know you have absolutely no control in life, but you taking that extra step in front of that bus or train coming can stop your heartache instantly.” It was his grace that held onto me every-time. It’s when things are the darkest, his light shines the brightest. Believe it or not, I could almost feel his presence. Even when I struggle to love myself, he says he loves me so much he sacrificed his only son for us. He said I could come to him when I feel weary and burdened. He was my refuge and still is.
Of course, things didn’t change at the snap of your fingers after prayers. Over time, God gave me the strength to thrive in life, the power to love and to embrace myself better. By God’s grace, depression and the tiny voice slowly became softer in the past four years of my life.
Depression is a nightmare but it is essentially the cause that led me to thirst for God. It was because of the depression, I was able to see God’s love overflowing through my life. I wouldn’t want to relive this again but I am grateful for the valleys my shepherd walked with me.
Upon reflection, I felt convicted that I’d seemed to have forgotten his love, and his voice over the better years. This time I don’t want to let go and forget his forever grace. Even when I cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to the end. I want to continue my journey in the wilderness and green pastures, raphah-ing and know that he is my God.